Discipline without Stress^® Punishments or Rewards

Promoting Responsibility Newsletter - July 2002

PROMOTING DISCIPLINE & LEARNING
Companion to www.MarvinMarshall.com
The Monthly Newsletter
Vol. 2, No7
July, 2002

http://www.MarvinMarshall.com

IN THIS ISSUE:

 1. Welcome

 2. Promoting Responsibility

 3. Increasing Effectiveness

 4. Improving Relationships

 5. Your Questions Answered

 6. Teachers.net: PROMOTING LEARNING:
Reflections from last year--working with teachers and schools
from Los Angeles to New York City

 7. The Shortcomings of Punishments and Rewards
- Tips for Parents

 8. What Others Are Saying about the Book:
"DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning"

 9. About this Newsletter

My wife and I have lived in the same house since 1968. We have seen children grow, move, become married, and visit their parents now with their own children. We have also welcomed new neighbors and seen a new generation of children grow.

Yet, I can't say that I ever really knew many in our neighborhood--perhaps with the exception of my immediate neighbors. A few years ago, a newly arrived family decided to hold a Christmas party and invite the neighbors. That one party was the beginning of community. We now hold neighborhood parties five times a year.

On Thursday of last week, the street was blocked off (with a police permit), and the entire block participated in a neighborhood chili cook-off, barbecue, and 4th of July celebration.

Later this evening, my wife and I will be spending some time with a newly arrived couple--eight houses away and across the street.

As in so many things in life, it only took one person's initiative to start. Thank you Jackie Fritz.

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A man drove on a long and lonely unpaved road in Arizona on his way to watch Hopi Indian ceremonial dances. Afterwards, he returned to his car only to find that it had a flat tire. He replaced it with the spare and drove to the only service station on the Hopi reservation.

As he stepped out of his car, he heard the hissing of another tire going flat.

"Do you fix flats?" he inquired of the attendant.

"Yes," came the answer.

"How much do you charge?" he asked.

With a twinkle in his eye, the man replied, "What difference does it make?"

This is what is called a "Hobson's Choice," named after Thomas Hobson (1544-1631) of Cambridge, England. Hobson kept a livery stable and required every customer to take either the horse nearest the stable door or none at all.

In essence, a Hobson's choice is a situation that forces a person to accept whatever is offered--or do without.

The most famous of Hobson's choices was made in 1914 when Henry Ford offered the very popular Model T--making it available in any color so long as it was black.

Most of the time we really do have a choice--even when we say we don't. We may think we have to do such and such. When we realize that MOST of what we do is by choice, then we become more responsible.

Here is an experiment. For the next 48 hours, eliminate the words, "I have to" and substitute the words, "I choose to." Instead of saying, "I have to get out of bed," make your self-talk, "I choose to get out of bed."

There is very little in life we HAVE to do. The way you spend your time is your choice. You set the priorities. You are responsible. You have control. Try the experiment for two days. Obviously, it's your choice. If you do this little exercise, almost immediately you will feel less helpless and more in charge of your life.

Being aware that options are always available not only puts us in control but makes our life happier and more fulfilling. We become more responsible when we recognize that very rarely are our choices limited to a Hobson's choice. As the sage stated, "Destiny is as much a matter of choice as one of chance."

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Jim Cathcart (author of RELATIONSHIP SELLING and the ACORN PRINCIPLE and a sought-after international speaker) relates how he worked in the mountains in Arkansas repossessing vehicles when the payments were not made on the loan.

Needless to say, he--and what he was about to do--were not welcomed by the mountain men. As Jim would be ushered off the property, he would say, "OK, I'm leaving." Then he added, "But look out for the guy who comes next time."

"What do you mean?" would be the response. Jim then would describe that, since he was not successful in getting any money towards the payment of the loan, the guy who would come collecting next was twice his size and not nearly so nice and likely to be accompanied by the sheriff.

Somehow Jim would always get some money toward payment of the loan.

When he moved up the company ladder, his replacement was a veteran of the Marine Corps. A noncoercive approach is not the hallmark of these warriors. The former marine used the same tactics his drill instructors had used on him. Predictably, he met with resistance every time.

In fact, Jim's replacement landed in the hospital for an extended stay only ten days after he was on the job.

Why did Jim succeed staying in good health and always reaching his objective of collecting some money while his successor was unsuccessful in both? The reason is that Jim behaved as a partner in problem solving and his replacement behaved as a "persuader."

Need I explain the difference between a noncoercive vs. a coercive approach?

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Listening is the single most important of all communications skills. It is more important than stirring oratory, more important than a powerful voice, more important than the ability to speak multiple languages--more important than a flair for the written word.

Good listening is truly where effective communications and relationships begin. It's surprising how few people really listen well. Those who do are the ones who have learned the SKILL of listening.

The simple truth of the matter is that people love being listened to. It's true in the business world. It's true at home. It's true of just about everyone we come across in life.

Dale Carnegie wrote that the secret of influencing people lies not so much in being a good talker as in being a good listener. Most people who try to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves.

To improve relationships--as well as your effectiveness-- encourage the other person to talk by asking questions. Let the person share with you. If you disagree with them, you may be tempted to interrupt. Don't. You will have your chance to share your ideas. Listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere. Encourage the person to express his or her ideas. Be supportive rather than listening with an agenda.

The person will never forget. And you will learn a thing or two.

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QUESTION:

My son's attitude about school is that he only wants to get by with the minimum. He'll do his homework and then doesn't bother to hand it in. His teachers say he's intelligent, but he's failing three classes. Last year he had the same problem, failing two classes.

RESPONSE:

From other statements you have related to me, you are trying to control him. His not doing what you tell him to do gives HIM control. It is his way of exercising power. He won't change if you keep telling him what to do, if you keep evaluating and advising him.

William Glasser, M.D., in his most recent book, "UNHAPPY TEENAGERS - A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them" (William Glasser Institute - 800.899.0688) shares a dialog:

"What do most people do when you try to control them?"

"They resist."

"What happens to the relationship between them and the people they
are trying to control?"

"It harms it."

"It's like a contest. Teenagers do it with parents all the time." (pp. 106-107)

Your son is doing his homework to get away from coercive nagging. Since the homework is not in his "quality world," he forgets to bring it to school. Develop a procedure, such as placing a clipboard by the door. He completes a checklist of what he needs for school and places it on the clipboard. No more reminding.

His intelligence may have nothing to do with the "verbal-linguistic" and "logical-mathematical" abilities that most schooling rely on for grades. Schools generally test for information and knowledge. They rarely assess comprehension (meanings), application (using what has been learned), analysis (breaking down material so that organizational structure is understood), synthesis (putting parts together--creativeness), or evaluation (judgment).

Assuming that you have checked his hearing and vision and they are normal, encourage him to become aware of inattentiveness in his classes. Have him keep a record for each class by dating a paper and making a mark each time his attention wanders during class time. Keeping a record will help him become aware and focus better. The more attention he pays and the more he participates in his lessons, the more motivated he will become.

Jim Cathcart has written a book entitled, "The Acorn Principle," wherein he argues that an acorn is capable of becoming a mighty oak, but it will never become a giant redwood--no matter how much you push it. His point is to discover your child's nature and then nurture that nature.

Discover what your son enjoys or believes he is good at. Nurture that interest. Your relations with him will dramatically improve. The most effective way to have discussions with a young lad is for both of you to engage in some physical activity--walking, hiking, play catch, etc. Increase your listening and decrease your telling him what YOU want.

Once he FEELS and BELIEVES that you are more interested in HIM AS A PERSON, instead of his good grades or success in school, you will be amazed at how much academic success he will achieve.

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My PROMOTING LEARNING article on <teachers.net/gazette> for this month are reflections from the academic year 2001-2002. The reflections eminated from my working with teachers and schools across the country--from Los Angeles to schools in Upper Manhattan and Harlem in New York City. http://teachers.net/gazette/JUL02/marshall.htm

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The shortcomings of using coercive and manipulative approaches--such as punishments and rewards to manipulate behavior and telling people what to do--are described at: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com.

The first link is a one-pager of "Tips for Parents."

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"This brilliant work should be required reading for every parent and teacher. If everyone applied these practical techniques, we could build a truly wonderful future for our society."

Steve Kaye, Ph.D.
Presentations on THE HUMAN SIDE OF BUSINESS

DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS is carried by: National Association of Elementary School Principals National Association of Secondary School Principals National School Boards Association Phi Delta Kappa International Performance Learning Systems The Brain Store

ORDER INFORMATION: Phone: 800.606.6105 (USA/Canada) -- 714.995.0989 (International) Fax: 714.995.3902 (purchase orders) http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com

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REPOSTS and REPRINTS:
Permission to repost or reprint this newsletter in whole or in part is granted as long as the following link is included: http://www.MarvinMarshall.com.

COPYRIGHT:
©  Copyright 2002 Marvin Marshall. All rights reserved.

PRIVACY STATEMENT: Your address will always be kept confidential and will not be released to anyone.

Back issues are archived online at: http://www.marvinmarshall.com/newsletter/index.htm

If you enjoy this newsletter the following sites may be of Interest:

• This site explains the system that promotes discipline and motivation for academic achievement: http://www.MarvinMarshall.com
• This site explains how using external approaches are counterproductive to promoting responsibility: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com
• This site gives details on the book "Discipline Without Stress, Punishments or Rewards": http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com