Discipline without Stress^® Punishments or Rewards

Promoting Responsibility Newsletter - May 2002

PROMOTING DISCIPLINE & LEARNING
Companion to www.MarvinMarshall.com
The Monthly Newsletter
Vol. 2, No 5
May, 2002

http://www.MarvinMarshall.com

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IN THIS ISSUE:

 1. Welcome

 2. Promoting Responsibility

 3. Increasing Effectiveness

 4. Improving Relationships

 5. Teachers.net: PROMOTING LEARNING:
    Using Breath Management to Promote Learning
    and Saving and Improving Your Voice

 6. The Failings of Punishments and Rewards - Tips for Parents

 7. Your Questions Answered

 8. What Others Are Saying About the Book:
"DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning"

 9. About this Newsletter

My website at http://www.MarvinMarshall.com has been on the Internet since 1995. Time has come for an upgrade.

You will find articles easier to locate and download.

ONE SET OF ARTICLES pertains to PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY. These articles explain my approach and give suggestions for empowerment --rather than overpowerment. Simply stated, when you empower people by INFLUENCING THEM TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE, your stress is reduced and you chances of obtaining what you desire is significantly improved.

This path follows the approaches of Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People), W.Edwards Deming (Quality), Albert Ellis (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy), William Glasser (Choice Theory), Alfie Kohn (Punished by Rewards), Douglas McGregor (Theory X and Theory Y), and Monty Roberts (Join-Up, the approach of this famed horse whisperer). It is the path of noncoercion.

The paradox with this approach is that most people are concerned about giving up control--not realizing that the more control you give to others, the more effective you become. The conditions, however, are that the control is given with high expectations, in a positive manner, with options available, and with the encouragement of reflection.

THE SECOND SET OF ARTICLES offer suggestions for PROMOTING LEARNING.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM PAST E-ZINES are also easier to locate.

I hope you will find the redesigned website http://www.MarvinMarshall.com of value to you and will share it with others.

An added note: Having worked in many industries and possessing a masters in business administration, I know that the approach is equally effective in all theatres of relationships. If you know people who want to increase their effective in influencing others without using coercion and in a positive way, please share the site with them. They may appreciate your effort to share with them.

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You have a responsibility to yourself to think and participate in those activities that bring you a fulfilled life, one that brings you happiness.

Robert Louis Stevenson, the Scottish-American writer wrote, "There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."

Here are a few thoughts that may assist in this most important endeavor.

What is important is how FREQUENTLY, not how intensely, you are happy. The thrills of winning in Las Vegas, an intense joy of a personal encounter, or having a peak of ecstasy are wonderful moments. But happiness comes from being content most of the time. This occurs when you have thoughts and feelings of well being, an inner sense of balance and purpose.

Good news such as getting a promotion or winning a lottery prompts happiness for a while. Then we adapt.

Bad news such as ending a relationship or losing a job brings sadness for awhile. Then we adapt.

Adaptation explains why people can be happy after physically disabling accidents and tragedies.

Adaptation starts with an aim to be happy. This sounds obvious, but often we don't make happiness a priority. Here is a simple procedure. Write the words, "I intend to be happy today," on a piece of paper and stick it on the bathroom mirror. When you look at it in the morning, stop and reflect. Ask yourself, "What can I be happy about today?" Vary your answers for a week.

Posting the note and taking time to reflect will remind you to be grateful during your day for that which contributes to happiness--be it joking with a co-worker, stopping to gaze and smell the splendor of a flower, drinking your favorite cup of coffee, or spending a special moment with a child.

Happiness hides in life's small details. If you're not looking, you will not see them.

As a youth growing up in Hollywood, California, I would hear Al Jarvis, a disk jockey on radio station KFWB, often say, "It's the little things in life that mean the most to all of us." I was lucky. I listened and learned this wisdom at a young age. And I am grateful for it.

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The brain thinks in pictures, not words.

Not that you remember your last dream, but if you asked yourself whether you visualized the dream in words--as you are reading now--or you visualized in pictures (images), you will conclude that you dreamt in visuals. (Remember that in human history reading is a relevantly recent development, and only in very recent times has the printed word become available to the "common folk.")

Being aware that people think in pictures--that they construct visuals in their minds--can help you become more effective.

When recently in an airport and hearing the gate agent say to a young boy, "Don't go down the ramp," I knew a problem had been created. Just a few minutes after the airport official finished his sentence, I saw him chase after the youngster down the ramp.

Can you picure "Don't"?

Think of the parent who has a challenge with the child who wets his bed. After tucking him in, the parent said, "Don't wet your bed tonight." What will the child visualize upon falling asleep?

How much more effective would be the statement, "Let's see if you can keep your bed dry tonight."

Which statement conjures up the image the parent wants?

Chances are the airline gate agent would have had less stress and more success saying to the youngster who was curious to go down the ramp something like, "You need a special pass to go there."

While waiting in the office to present a seminar to a middle school faculty recently, I glanced at the school rules--all phrased in negative terms. My mental exercise was to immediately rephrase them in positive terms. The process is so easy once you become conscious of it and practice changing negative pictures into positive ones.

My experiences have taught me that people do better with positive images rather than with negative ones.

Let's not forget that we adults are grown-up kids in this regard. We also communicate and process information best in picture form. Communicate your message by painting the picture you WANT to have created, not the one you don't want.

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Attentive listening is the most valuable tool we have for enriching the quality of relationships. Yet, it is often neglected.

Attentive listening means listening WITHOUT DISTRACTION. I have met very few people who have practiced this approach to the point of making it a skill.

My financial planner was one such person. Cory had the knack of conveying the feeling that, when you were with her, you had her undivided attention. I don't know if she learned the skill or if it was just natural with her. But I remember the charismatic impression it made on me.

On the other hand, I also remember the negative feelings engendered while attempting to converse with a principal with whom I once worked. I felt I had just 30 seconds to get my point across; after 30 seconds, his attention went elsewhere.

I know of one person who was constantly interrupted whenever she was with her boss. One day she simply said, "Could you give me 10 minutes of uninterrupted time?" After the meeting, her boss told her that it was the best meeting they ever had. She agreed.

As the chair of an accreditation team representing the Western Association of Schools and Colleges, I was sitting in the principal's office. The meeting was in a large urban high school in the second largest school district in the nation. That year the school was celebrating its 100th anniversary. As I was conversing with the principal and the accrediting team, the principal kept answering the telephone. Aside from the rudeness, the implicit message was that the accreditation team's evaluation of the high school was less important than his compunction to answer the phone.

We send implicit messages by the way we listen.

If you have a tendency to wander after listening for a few minutes but want to improve you relationships, use this technique: Listen as if you were going to repeat back what is being said to you. This technique can help you resist any tendency to multitask--and that includes interrupting.

A novel technique to help you is described in my article this month on http://teachers.net/gazette/MAY02/marshall.html.

It is important to give young people your undivided attention when conversing with them. It sends the message that you acknowledge them. Almost above anything else, young people want to be acknowledged--especially teen-agers. Don't lose precious few moments of connection. In addition, your modeling will help them learn this important communication skill.

With young children, if you are playing with them, let them know that you may have to take an urgent phone call so they will understand ahead of time that their time with you is not secondary.

When it comes to listening, walking the talk means being conscious of and practicing the skill of attentive listening.

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My PROMOTING LEARNING article on <teachers.net/gazette> for this month shows how teachers can have students become better listeners. The approach also shows teachers (really, anyone who uses the voice a great deal) how to speak so that there is less strain on the vocal chords. http://teachers.net/gazette/MAY02/marshall.html

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The failings of using coercive and manipulative approaches--such as punishments and rewards--are described at: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com.

The first link is a one-pager of "Tips for Parents."

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QUESTION:

I heard your presentation at the California League of Middle Schools conference in March.

I concur with your ideas. I have applied many of your concepts during my long coaching tenure without any formal system like yours. However, I have been labeled as having "suspect discipline."

How do I counter claims from traditionalists who believe punishment is mandatory? They believe that if a coach does not punish, a coach doesn't have any discipline.

I would appreciate hearing from you.

Thanks,
BC

RESPONSE:

Great question and dilemma!

Standards must be kept. However, I focus on the positive and use contingencies--rather than focusing on punishments, which are negative.

As a former athletic director of a large urban high school, here is how I approached it: It is a privilege to be on an athletic team. Membership on a team can be one of the greatest experiences a young person can have.

Second point to students: This is a team endeavor. The team comes first. Therefore, only those things that add to the team's best interests are allowed.

Here is the kicker and what a contingency looks like: You may continue to participate if you. . . . (to be completed).

Traditional thinking imposes punishments. Contingencies, in contrast, focus on the positive and put the responsibility on the youth.

If a person does not live up to the contingency, the follow-up action begins. It is not the action but rather the positive, internally motivational approach that is critical.

Note also that with a contingency, the responsibility is on the youngster. With punishment, the responsibility is on the enforcer.

Now, if the problem has to do with regular physical education classes, rather than athletics, we are in a different situation.

First, the curriculum needs to be looked at, viz., are athletics the focus or physical education the focus? Although not mutually exclusive, they are not synonymous.

If a student refuses to dress or participate, the student has a very personal reason for it. Forcing obedience will not be successful with a person whose personal feelings and beliefs are more important than a teacher's request. In such cases, a student will chose defiance.

Using reflective questions and then empowering and encouraging will go further than forcing obedience.

Finally, you have a personal and professional decision to make. You know from your experience how to build youth. Let your fellow coaches get on your train. Don't leave yours to join them.

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"Dr. Marshall has provided both new and experienced teachers with a comprehensive and thought-provoking resource--one sure to be used with great frequency. The breadth of information covered might prove daunting were it not for the practical and concise nature with which it is delivered. This text should prove to be an invaluable tool for educators."

Marti Pogonowski, Staff Development Specialist Anne Arundel County Public School, Gambrills, MD

DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS is carried by: National Association of Elementary School Principals National Association of Secondary School Principals National School Boards Association Phi Delta Kappa International Performance Learning Systems The Brain Store

ORDER INFORMATION: Phone: 800.606.6105 (USA/Canada) -- 714.995.0989 (International) Fax: 714.995.3902 (purchase orders) http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com

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REPOSTS and REPRINTS:
Permission to repost or reprint this newsletter in whole or in part is granted as long as the following link is included: http://www.MarvinMarshall.com.

COPYRIGHT:
©  Copyright 2002 Marvin Marshall. All rights reserved.

PRIVACY STATEMENT: Your address will always be kept confidential and will not be released to anyone.

Back issues are archived online at: http://www.marvinmarshall.com/newsletter/index.htm

If you enjoy this newsletter the following sites may be of Interest:

• This site explains the system that promotes discipline and motivation for academic achievement: http://www.MarvinMarshall.com
• This site explains how using external approaches are counterproductive to promoting responsibility: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com
• This site gives details on the book "Discipline Without Stress, Punishments or Rewards": http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com