Discipline without Stress^® Punishments or Rewards

Promoting Responsibility Newsletter - December 2003

PROMOTING DISCIPLINE & LEARNING
Companion to www.MarvinMarshall.com
The Monthly Newsletter
Vol. 3, No 12
December, 2003

http://www.MarvinMarshall.com

IN THIS ISSUE:

 1. Welcome

 2. Promoting Responsibility

 3. Increasing Effectiveness

 4. Improving Relationships

 5. Your Questions Answered

 6. Implementing The Raise Responsibility System:
    Free Mailring
    Your Questions Answered
    Impulse Management Posters and Cards

 About the book
  
 About the Author

 About this Newsletter

A young man on vacation was staring at the calm, blue sea
thinking about lunch. A small boat laden with a large
Yellowfin tuna docked near the pretty Mexican village. A
lone fisherman jumped ashore.

"That¹s a great catch," said the tourist. "How long did it
take you?" "Not so long," said the fisherman. "Why didn¹t
you stay out longer and catch more fish?" "This one¹s enough
to keep my family provided for," came the response.

"What do you do with the rest of your time?" inquired the
visitor.

"I sleep late, I fish a little, I play with my children,
then I have lunch, and take a siesta with my wife. We stroll
into the village every evening. We sip wine, listen to the
guitar players, and I play cards with my amigos. It¹s a full
and rich life, senor."

"I think I can help you," the visitor said. "I¹m here on a
vacation having just finished my MBA. You¹ve got to spend
more time fishing, buy yourself a bigger boat, make more
money, and then perhaps several boats until you¹ve got a
fleet. Don¹t sell your catch to a middleman. Sell directly
to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. Then
you can control the product, control the production, and
control the distribution. You could then leave your small
town behind, move to Mexico City, then maybe to Los Angeles,
and eventually perhaps New York to run your own expanding
company."

"But senior, how long would this take?"

"Oh, 15, 20 years."

"But what then?"

"Well, that¹s the best part," the young man proudly stated.
"When the time is right, you could float stock on the stock
market and make millions of dollars."

"Millions you say. And then what?"

"Well then you could retire. Move to a pretty village by the
sea. Sleep late, fish a little, take a siesta with your
wife, stroll to the village in the evening, sip wine, listen
to the sounds of the guitars, and play cards with your
friends."

(The following graphic is best viewed with a mono-spaced
font, like Monaco or Courier. Just select [highlight] the
graphic and, if on AOL, change the font under the Edit
Menu.)

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It seems amazing that 2003 is drawing to a close. As I
reflect on the year, I assess what I have learned this year
to keep pace with our changing and technological times. As
creatures of habit, we find new ways more difficult simply
because they are different. But I have tried to use the past
as a guidepost, rather than as a hitching post.

I think the greatest compliment one can give an individual
in our changing world is that he or she is a student of
something and constantly seeks to learn and grow.

I view learning as a responsibility I have for myself.

Perhaps the statement of the dear old gentleman in his
eighties best captures my thinking. He said, "Whatever the
confusions of yesterday, the uncertainties of tomorrow, or
the frustrations of today, this I know to be true: When I
cease to grow, I'll begin to die. And so while I can run,
I'll run; while I can walk, I'll walk; and when I can only
crawl, I'll crawl. But I'll always be moving forward."

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Effective people persist. They don't give up easily.

Persistence accounts for much of achievement. A major
quality that classifies people as gifted is that they stick
to a task.

What is it that allows a person to persevere? According to
Art Costa (http://www.habits-of-mind.net), they have a
repertoire. These people have many different ways to solve a
problem. If you only have one way to solve a problem and if
you try it and if it doesn't work, you will have a tendency
to give up.

But people who persist will try a plan, and if that approach
doesn't work, they go to another plan. If that one doesn't
work, they create another and continue to search until they
are satisfied.

Having a repertoire of problem-solving processes is what
allows and encourages persistence.

The concept of persisting or persevering has to do with
knowing how to behave when you DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

In school, we were accustomed to receiving tests back with
a score assigned. The score represented the number of
answers we knew. But the critical point in life is not the
number of correct answers we know but how we behave when we
don't know.

Most of the problems we face in life have no easy answers.

When confronted with a dilemma, an enigma, or a problem that
is ambiguous, do you think of alternatives to meet the
challenge or do you say to yourself, "I can't do this," and
then give up.

It's more beneficial to learn and teach three ways to solve
one problem than it is to teach one way to solve three
problems.

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You can still get in the last word: Apologize.

Thanks to Gene Griessman aka Abraham Lincoln.
http://www.achievementdigest.com/

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QUESTION:

Can you give me an easy way to explain to someone the
difference between punishment and discipline?

RESPONSE:

 PUNISHMENT is what is done TO a person.
 DISCIPLINE is what is done FOR a person.

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You can share and learn more about the
RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/RaiseResponsibilitySystem.
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QUESTION:

I am writing to you because I had a problem with a parent
today and I really need some advice.

One of my students behaves like a bully, hits his classmates
and threatens to hit them outside the classroom. He pushes
them or he sometimes makes them stumble. Today he used
vulgarity.

I decided to send a note to his parents, and asked the
student to write the following:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Today I told a classmate to "Kiss my ass."

He once told me that his mother never punished him or paid
any attention to him.

When his mother read the note, she became outraged and
decided to come and talk to me. She was quite rude and
almost insulted me but I remained calm all the same.

I just wanted to make him take responsibility and wondered
what you would have done.

RESPONSE:

Smart for staying calm!

Remember that you are being paid to teach the child, not his
parents. It is a sad fact of life today that too many
parents are confrontational--rather than supportive.

If a similar situation occurs, ask the parent, "What do you
suggest?" If the parent goes on a rampage, say, "I
understand, but what do you suggest?"

Remember the person who asks the question controls the
conversation.

With the student, say, "This behavior is unacceptable." Than
say, "What do you suggest we do about it? Keep to asking,
"What else?" "What else?" until a satisfactory solution is
elicited.

Your task is particularly difficult because the youngster is
manipulating his mother--and she does not even realize it.

Just let him know that what he does outside of school is his
business, but what he does in school is yours. Only levels C
or D are acceptable, and if he does not behave at these
levels he will own the consequence because he will choose
it.

When the youngster misbehaves, he is the one to feel the
stress--not you. And that goes for his mother, too!

Finally, review the chapter on "Classroom Meetings" at
http://www.disciplinewithoutstress.com/sample_chapters.html.

Put the problem on the table. His behavior is the class's
problem, also. Let fellow students come up with some
suggestions--with the bully present. Students hearing their
peers is far more powerful than being told by an adult. This
student needs some "emotional intelligence." His classmates
can help him.

Learning a procedure to respond appropriately to impulses is described on the Impulse Management link at
http://www.marvinmarshall.com/impulsemanagement.html

A REVISED VERSION of the CARD (not the poster) is now available and has been posted at
http://www.marvinmarshall.com/cards.html

Level C for COOPERATION is in green, as is Level D. Although the goal is for motivation to be on level D, either of these two levels is acceptable.

Level C for CONFORMITY has been added in YELLOW to remind students to reflect--to be cautious (as in a yellow traffic signal)--before engaging in an activity suggested by a peer. This is especially the case when the suggestion will lead to inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.

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"This book provides a wonderful opportunity to put parents
and teachers on the same page! It describes effective
strategies to help parents and teachers work together toward
a positive and encouraging environment for the children they
care for."

Adria Manary
Author of "Mommy Magic: 450 Ways to Nurture Your Child"

A descriptive table of contents, three selected sections,
and additional items of interest are posted at:
http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com

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Marvin Marshall presents keynote speeches and seminars to CORPORATIONS, ASSOCIATIONS, and EDUCATIONAL GROUPS.

If you are looking for a speaker for your organization or know others who are, please refer them to
http://www.marvinmarshallpresents.com.

A short (8 minutes) presentation is available for viewing online..

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REPOSTS and REPRINTS:
Permission to repost or reprint this newsletter in whole or in part is granted as long as the following link is included: http://www.MarvinMarshall.com.

COPYRIGHT:
 Copyright 2003 Marvin Marshall. All rights reserved.

PRIVACY STATEMENT: Your address will always be kept confidential and will not be released to anyone.

Back issues are archived online at: http://www.marvinmarshall.com/newsletter/index.htm

If you enjoy this newsletter the following sites may be of Interest:

• This site explains the system that promotes discipline and motivation for academic achievement: http://www.MarvinMarshall.com
• This site explains how using external approaches are counterproductive to promoting responsibility: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com
• This site gives details on the book "Discipline Without Stress, Punishments or Rewards": http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com